Written on 1:40 AM by Kristen
Ok, this may not be the best put together blog on the planet, but it's 2 in the morning on a tuesday night. I have two issues keeping me awake, one is not funny, the other is hil-aaaaaa-rious. I've had a strange unidentified pain in my neck for going on 3 days now. It seems to wake me up around now when the pain medicine wears off and I'm in totally agony.
..."but Kristen?" you ask. "If you're in total agony, how are you writing this fantastic blog?"
Well Friends, we seem to have what is called in the sticks, or Dallas Swat, take your pick, a domestic disturbance! This has awoken me from my slumber a tad earlier than planned, my children of the night.... mwaaaaa haaaaaa haaaaaaaa!!!!
As you may well know, I just moved to a new apartment in the far north of a pretty snobby city. I assumed and expected that this would alleviate the normal pitfalls of apartment life ie... scary people, redneck neighbors and their dogs/kids, yuppie shenanigans.
I came home tonight to find a pretty nice truck with a trailer attached to the back blocking my normal parking area. I parked adjacent to the building on the other side and continued my way upstairs, chinese take out in hand. Up the stairs I go to find a guy approximately my age, two kids that clearly he is NOT the father, and some of their stuff in the hallway. This was about 8pm. When I was ready go to go bed around 10:30 I hear what I thought was a TV program through my window. I listened for a minute, clearly this must be HBO to have such foul language. No wait, maybe MTV based on the education level of the speaker and the slight valley girl speech impediment. Ohhhh sweet mother, it's someone outside!
So I turn my lights off so I can more unobtrusively spy on my neighbors. Where did this trashy siren wench come from? Its as if she was spawned from the trailer under a cold dark night in October to spew forth Righteous Truths. That's right girl, guys are morons. Yell it louder!
Oh wait. She and her husband are both morons. Let down.
They have chosen to yell and scream at each other sitting in the flat of the open trailer, instead of the nice cozy truck interior with the doors shut like normal people. "Not in front of the kids, Honey"
"but Kristen?" you ask, "Wasn't that at 10:30? Why are you up at 2" Well my pretties, have you ever heard a blood curdling scream? really though,,,... and with a raspy voice out in the cold? To the effect of "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"
This chick is screeeeaming at the guy now. I think he was trying to make her get in the car. She's like "how can you do this to me?" My guess is he broke up with her and was trying to get her to an institution, but I'm no expert. I believe there was a struggle and then all fell silent.
I don't even want to know. I normally woulda told them to shut up myself, but seeing as how they are a few crayons short of a picasso, I opted not to piss off the new redneck neighbors.
Back to bed. Waiting for the Aleve to kick in again...
Posted in
apartments,
illness,
rednecks,
stupid people
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Written on 9:25 PM by Kristen
Dear Blog,
I promise to blog more as soon as I'm done moving and unpacking.
As a temporary IOU here is a picture of my new furniture.
Posted in
blogging,
furniture,
moving
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Written on 9:46 PM by Kristen
Gentlemen,...
ahem..... please wear undershirts.
That is all.
Posted in
advice,
church,
fashion
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Written on 7:23 PM by Kristen
Yes I work in an alternate reality but sometimes it starts to seem a little normal. I get used to the surroundings and maybe let my guard down more than I should. I'm sitting in the office kitchen waiting for my microwave lunch to be ready when I take a glance at something sitting on the table.
Can anyone spot what's wrong with this picture? I almost didn't eat my lunch after this. I kinda even am having a gag moment right now.
Please to enjoy......
Your comments please, because I am too grossed out to elaborate. I also must add that I was once offered "ox tails" at work. Are there really a multitude of oxen running around without their tails? Are we so down on the food chain that we can't even eat like oxen steak, we have to resort to the tail?
Please could I get that with some extra napkins and a gallbladder replacement?
Posted in
food,
work
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Written on 9:59 PM by Kristen
Ahh, it's that super special time of year. I love the Olympics for so many reasons. First of all, it's like combining the 4th of July excitement you have for your country along with really fantastic sports. This is not the NBA NFL tattoo'd up million dollar paycheck crap that's on every day. These people are good, and when they represent your country they become heroes for at least a month out of the year. Also, some people may not know, I used to be a diver in high school, so it's very cool to watch people doing something that you actually know about.
Another reason to love the Olympics is the International Travel element. You get to learn all about the countries that they are hosted in, and the countries people are from. You get to learn how to announce all kinds of crazy names such as Vladislava Ukraintseva or Harutyun Yenokyan. Also gotta love the announcers talking about the Olympians' personal lives because they have nothing else to say. (It's a bold strategy, Cotton. Let's see if it pays off for 'em.)
All this new international perspective, however, leaves me a tad annoyed at the personal day to day world that I live in for a few reasons. First of all... has anyone taken a notice to the uncanny tradition of changing the way we prounounce a country or city whenever there is a major news event taking place. Take por Nicaragua for example. For as long as I've spoken English it's been pronounced Nick-uh-rah-gua. But lo and behold an earth quake happens and shakes the very bedrock of the alphabet. Suddenly my tv screen is filled with phlegm a la ABC news.
[Re-enactment]
"there was a big earthquake today in Nee-Haw-RA-Goo-Ahhhh" Oh the horror.
I almost snorted my Wendy's frosty out my nose when I turned on the news and heard about the Olympic Games in Bay-Jing. As in Ju-Ju Bees "Jing". Lets all go back to kindergarten (german coincidentally) and learn phonics again. I thought it was supposed to be Beige-ing. Like the wall color. I mean I guess maybe people with authentic Asian accents kinda say it in between the two but that doesn't mean we have to change. That's like admitting we were wrong. Besides I was quite secure with beige-ing.
So the second annoyance this brings up is just a further realization that I work in an alternate reality. Now I am really liking my new job so far and the people I work with are cool. But there's one little minor detail that just baffles me! In this department, and in my old department, NO ONE I repeat No ONE can pronounce my name. It's Kris-Ten. Like Kris and the number Ten . 10. You can even spell it with a C if it makes you feel better about it. Just please stop calling me Christiarn, and Crescent, KEERStin and Krr..... how do you say it?
And to put the icing on the cake these past few weeks, I've been in a special training class. One of the lady's in charge has a rather original name. For anonymity's sake lets just say it's one of those names with an apostrophe in it. People have taken great care to learn this lady's name and they do a little celebration dance everytime someone says it right, which seems to be every single time. WTF? Why can no one say Kristen?? I mean if the announcers can say Ertugrul Icingir, I shouldn't think my name would twist your tongue. These people are all English speakers. None are bilingual or English as a second language. They sure as heck can pronounce Barak Obama. Oh well...
I guess I should never run for president. I would be President Torgerwho? President Whatsherbutt? sigh.
Peace in the Middle East.
Posted in
engrish,
Sports,
travel
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Written on 8:59 PM by Kristen
Dear Lady in the rec center bathroom,
Why are you talking to me? At least I think you're talking to me, I don't see anyone else around (help!) I don't remember us locking eyes or bumping into each other. We've never taken a class together but I presume that you spend a lot of time here. From what I can gather from your excited mumbling, you are not discussing the weather or other non-crazy approved topics of conversation.
I can plainly see that you walked in here just to wash your hands. That is fantastic. Oh yes! Please do tell me why you are washing your hands just now, for I truly was concerned that anyone in a public place needs a valid reason to wash their hands. Strange crazy Lady, do not mumble when you talk. I have no freaking clue what you are saying right now. I hope you are never responsible for screaming "Fire!" in order to save people's lives. What was that?...you had to do a "Clean Up"? And you only used one glove instead of the normal two.? That is also fantastic. Although I missed about two sentences before and after that leading me to wonder how best I can avoid this "clean up" after I escape my personal tiled prison. Did I hear you right? Is something not allowed until night time anymore... Perhaps you are referring to your medication.
For real now, please E-Nun-Ci-ate. My nodding and smiling are merely extreme politeness and not a confirmation that I understand and agree with your one-glove predicament. Mostly this look on my face is wondering what the crap you just got all over your hands and please please pelase don't touch me. You keep looking at me, Lady, as if waiting for an answer. But my question to you, Lady in the bathroom, is WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?!?!
Sincerely,
*K*
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Written on 9:06 PM by Kristen
Funny Anonymous Quotes of this weekend...
-------------------------------------------
"Now, I appreciate a good Bang..... " (man enters room at this exact moment)
We were talking about hair coincidentally, way to go Anonymous!
--------------------------------------------------
Anonymous - "Oh Hi, how are you!"
<(Hugs)> "Mmm you smell good"Me - "Really? I haven't showered yet today"Anonymous - " Oh, I guess I just like the way you stink."
Posted in
Quotes
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Written on 10:14 PM by Kristen
This is the second hilarious half of the "how to poop at work" posting. If you didn't read part 1 I suggest that you go back to the All Things Inappropriate post and read it first. Fair Warning, Part 2 is a little more gross.
How To Poop At Work - Part Deuce:
SOME VARIETIES~
*The King Poop* - This kind is the kind of poop that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.
*Bali Belly Poop* - You poop so much you lose 5 lbs.
*Cement Block* - You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you poop.
*Cork Poop* - (Also Known as Floater Poop) = Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. How do I get rid of it? This poop usually happens at someone else's house.
*The Bungee Poop* - The kind of poop that just hangs off your rear before it falls into the water.
*The Crippler* - The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.
*The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang* - The kind of poop that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.
*The Party Pooper* - The giant poop you take at a party and, when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.
More hilarity coming soon :)
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Written on 8:57 PM by Kristen
It's about to be that time people.... Labor Day is coming up. You can no longer sport the white purses, shoes etc.. Being an overachiever I decided to switch out my purse a bit early this year. Also I needed a better travelling purse for my trip to Austin. So I'm at work today with my Pink-ish Kenneth Cole bag from earlier this year, when the after lunch dry lip phenomenon presents itself. I search around in my purse and choose from amongst the billions of different lip products that I carry on a daily basis. (Yes I do need each and every one) I went with the first one that I found, I don't want my coworkers thinking all I do all day is search around in my purse. This day in particular it was the C.E Bigelow Mint Flavored Gloss with a nice reddish tint. No sooner had I applied the lip gloss, than I began to notice a funky mildew-y smell. Something a tad rancid and mixed with a fresh mold. Oh Dear Lord! It was nappy lip stuff gone bad. Of course this is also the day I ran out of Kleenex at my desk, so I'm puckering up and searching for something to wipe it off with. I had to go with the back of my hand because there was nothing available other than my chair. My coworkers might just report me for dragging my face across my chair.
So after work I head straight over to my Belly dancing class I'm taking with a friend. I always get there early and eat because it's way across town. I went to Taco Bell, not the best choice right before belly dancing I know, but it's right there. I got the Crunchwrap thingy which I'd never had before but it was plastered all over the menu. Huge Mistake! Can anyone think of any class of cheese worse than cheese whiz, lower than spray cheese, and which makes Velveeta taste like cheese of the gods? Well this sad excuse for cheese was worse. It was freaking peach colored!. Like cute pastel vomit cheese. Eww. I think it was giving me a cramp during the class. It also had a strange mayonnaise like consistency. Which leads me to Mayo. Does anyone know how or with what do they make mayo? Why does it smell like Sherman TX, or better yet, why does Sherman TX smell like mayo? Why is mayo fluffy, as if it's been whipped, yet have a remarkable likeness to snot? Is mayonnaise a french plot to kill right-wing sandwich eating couch sitting Americans?
Needless to say it was horrific and disturbing. I may have "Lipteria" as my sister put it. She says my lips even have a greenish bluish tint tonight. I might as well go eat some Spam and microwave a fork at this point.
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Written on 9:37 PM by Kristen
WARNING ...WARNING......
Reading this may cause temporary loss of control and/or physical harm to yourself and others.
If you dislike bathroom humor please stop reading now. I cannot be held accountable if you giggle and snort like a little girl, or a 600 pound moo cow with rabies.
I have been neglecting my blog lately because I started a new job this week (whoooppeee!), so I have just had random thoughts here and there. "Oh, that was funny, I should write about that."
But mostly it's been "Ohhh My CRAP! No one will ever believe what I just witnessed!"
I have chosen two special topics on which to blog tonight.
Scene: Anonymous Rec Center
Class: Abs Hips and Thigh Buster
Present: Demi, Kristen, The Instructor, Moaner
Take 1:
Everyone get down on your mats for some crunches
"uugghhhh oohhhhhhhhh"
Now lift your knees in the air
"ahhhh owwwww ohhhhhh"
Demi "Kristen, stop looking at me"
Kristen " It's the moaner... do you hear that?"
Demi "shhhh I'm trying not to laugh"
Kristen "Heee heee heeee "
Class, lean against the wall and push yourself away
"auauahhhh soooo hard.. oooohhhhh ahhhhhh"
Now move your hands together and do 8 more
"ouuugggghh.... mmmmmmmaaahhhhhhh "
Kristen "mwaaaah haaaa haaaa! (snort) haa"
Demi "giggle..... hee hee ... giggle (can you believe that?)"Kristen "we should be paying extra for that"Demi "is there something wrong with her?"
Kristen "that was the best laugh I never had" Not really "The End" yet, but for real how much more can you describe that.
The woman was HARDLY MOVING AT ALL, and yet she was the only one moaning and groaning and making faces. She was lifting two pound weights like we were in a Norwegian Strongman's competition.And to top it all off, all that straining and moaning caused her to pass some heinous gas. Which brings us into topic number two for the night.
Awesome Potty Humor.
Below is the copy of an email sent around to a select few people on our team.
It was obvious who was reading the email because laughter was breaking out like a rash on a camp out. I had read a few of these before, but this was the most complete works I have come across. Without Further Adue..Ado.... Adieu? whatev.HOW TO POOP AT WORK
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all been working in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH. OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom. THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P. F. N.) A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS. SAFE HAVENS A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom. TURD BURGLAR Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE. ASTAIRE A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace. WATERMELON A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.HAVANA OMELET A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire. You can also use that moment to noisily procure a handful of toilet paper.
Posted in
bathroom humor,
work
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Written on 10:15 AM by Kristen
Cube to my left... "blah blah blahhh (cell phone) blah bah.... I am so commited to my job... blah blah blah""
2 Cubes over.... "Check Yo Trade Christian... I's got important work here to do... ...(leaves her desk)......."
A few rows over...... "Get away from my desk.... burn the faxes.... I'm training........(fake heart attack)..... more yelling....... (leaps over cube to strangle me).......... magically gets out of work"
A wise colleague of mine once said.....
"it's like we're in a vortex of hate that slows time".
Actually it was Demi, and it was about 20 minutes ago. When you find yourself starting the countdown to lunch at 9:30 am... what's a working girl to do?I find that making lists helps to solve my problems, or at least keep me distracted. So I've compiled a list of job alternatives. Maybe the problem isn't me, it's really that the job isn't hacking it. 
Kristen's Fantasy Careers:1. Spa Facilities and Services Tester2. Doggy Massage Therapist3. Therapy Human to dogs (like therapy dogs but the other way around)4. Shoe Model5. Samantha Brown's body double6. Ben and Jerry's Flavor Inventor/Quality Control7. General Advice Guru8. Disney Character VoiceDemi's Fantasy Job suggestions:1. Godiva Chocolate Tester2.Ninja3. Swiss Cheese Hole Maker (using Jessica Simpson high heels)
My parachute may quite possibly rainbow swirls with paw prints.Feel free to comment and add your own Fantasy Jobs to the list.
Posted in
careers,
stupid people
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Written on 10:10 PM by Kristen
As this is my first blog, it is being sent to outerspace (unless I make my sister read it), but I've been meaning to start a blog for awhile. One reason being that working in trade settlements has compromised my English skills. My spelling is now bordering on Engrish, but that will be another blog to come....
So my blog tonight... starting at 10pm which is actually my bedtime ... is about country music. I just happened to be reading someone's posting about Jessica Simpson's new country song and they asked for people's opinions. I just started a discussion about this "pop gone country" trend in general.
Does anyone foresee a possible backlash against all the people using country to extend or start up their 15 minutes of fame? It's seems anyone who got tired of singing pop, or didn't think they could be popular enough is using country to get a hit song....
Pop gone Country...
Michelle Branch (I love the Wreckers, I'm just saying she didn't start country)
Jewel (started as folky-pop which I guess is close enough)
Julianne Hough (love her but her first single lacks substance (brain cells) and doesnt sound at all country)
Jessica Simpson (from Dallas but still can't pull off a country accent in a movie)
I'm also stating this from the position of having a guilty addiction to cheesy pop music and loving it for what it is... Cheesy pop music. I would love this new song more if Jessica didn't do her breathy moany oversinging. I do want to hear the rest of the CD though... and I may buy it. I'm just saying Jess honey don't plan on winning country songwriting awards.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Oh Wait I totally forgot another category.
Singing a Duet with a country star.........
this includes:
Bon Jovi
that old guy and Alison Krauss
that other old guy and Alison Krauss
Nelly
Snoop Dogg so they say appears to be next...
It's an INVASION people!!
Word .....
Posted in
country music,
engrish,
pop music
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