Written on 8:32 PM by Kristen
This is how I've been shocked and surprised today, by things that some of them, I really should just know by now. Others I didn't see coming.
When your 100% socially inept boss's boss stops by the cake for people's anniversaries of working at the company, and he says "happy birthday". Smiles and walks off with cake like a jackass.
When you find out via internet that someone you know probably has fake boobs.
When you know someone has a ridiculously small forehead, either/or too much hair, but you're still shocked to see it. Like it's some circus side show you cant stop staring at.
When you realize why your old college roomate wore 18 virginity bracelets, because you now see her younger sisters wedding pictures on facebook and her younger sister already has a kid. Ohhhh.! Now I get it.
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Written on 10:11 PM by Kristen
Posted in
random
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Written on 12:03 PM by Kristen
Papa John. And aren't you intrigued to know how my new boyfriend, who we'll call Big Papa, brought his love of garlic and cheese into my life? About a month ago I decided to give Big Papa a chance, after my Ex, Soprano, skipped town never to be heard from again. Jerk! Big things come in small packages a-la the delivery driver Rico. Rico was late bringing Big Papa for our first date, he took over an hour in fact. By then I was a raving hungry lunatic with an empty plate and a broken heart. But Papa did what no man had done before.
Big Papa was sorry. So sorry that he wrote his sorry-ness on a post card and sent it old school style to my mail box, offering me a free no strings second chance at Big Papa love. How could I resist such a heartfelt apology? Big Papa got his second chance and boy did he deliver. Ladies, that is a true apology. Not the kind that is spoken into the air, never to be remembered again, but that kind that I can go back to days and days later to know just how sorry he really is. In fact I am tasting Big Papa's apology right now, and it's even better on the 3rd day.
I heart you Papa!! Lets be sorry for the rest of our lives!
Posted in
food,
men
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Written on 6:57 PM by Kristen
Yep, he dared me....... to take a picture of his dumb-a%% . I bet he feels really silly when a cop pulls him over for speeding and looking like a jack-a%%.
I wonder how much that ticket costs.
Our dear friend Alison has a theory about dudes in mustangs. This just solidifies the theory and pushes it farther towards a certified entry in the Wikipedia of douchebaggery.
Posted in
cars,
idiots
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Written on 9:49 PM by Kristen
Sorry for the scary bad writing, grammar, literary devices etc... but I really don't care.
Once again I find myself alone in my apartment, whilst some tragedy unfolds before my helpless non-handyman hands. The first plot point to this tragedy was the night I moved into my beauty-ful apartment, and the pipe behind the toilet starts leaking all over the floor. Fate provided a foil lasagna pan which held the water until morning light. Then I had to stand around all Saturday morning in my skeezy unshowered moving PJ's while a stranger fixed my toilet. Awkward, Princess.!
Tragedy plot point number two was when the power kept randomly going off in my apartment, like a crafty lightning bug messing with my pizz-ower. No one believed tragic apartment Rapunzel, they accused her of optical delusions. The electricity proceeded to disappear for over 24 hours, a week later, throughout the entire kingdom of "Building 10". Chaos, Calamity, and Cursing could be heard over all the land. Now who's laughing ye snooty apartment office wenches.??
Tonight I sit and await handy dude number 2 to avenge the evil blinky alarm monster.
(handy dude #2 is much younger than handy dude #1 coincidentally)
Prologue:
I have no alarm system set up.
I have no alarm code.
I have no intruders.
My alarm system starts beeping at random intervals for no particular reason during American Idol (well played alarm) ... Then all bazookie breaks loose and it's a wailing siren. Thanks neighbors for coming to check on me (not). Turning the breakers off has absolutely no effect. I call the handy dude helpline which calls me back and instructs me to disconnect the battery in my closet.
FYI to all intruders, go to my closet first to turn off the alarm. Neato. So this battery looks like a small car battery with two connectors on top. Both of them are stuck I discover through my rubber gloves. Hey, I don't wanna die alone and electro-fried lying face down in my Croc's collection.
So handy dude shows up and realizes there's a second part that has to be disconnected. Handy dude doesnt know batteries but he's kinda cute. Handy dude's gonna come replace something on Friday when the part comes in.
I think its a date!
Posted in
apartments
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Written on 9:39 PM by Kristen
Dear Alison,
What have you gotten me into? Is this a bad Omen? I purchased the book for May book club at half price, only to get home and find this inside the front cover....
Also, when I went took a picture of the cover, the first one turned out red.
I am so creeped out right now. I'm only going to read this in the daylight around people, just in case.
I'll also hold my chapstick tight to my chest in case a third thing happens ...
I trust from the Zoloft post it note that this will be beautifully written, and that no one will kill me in my sleep. Maybe this was planted craftily by the suicide pushers at Zoloft Inc.
Posted in
books,
suicide,
Zoloft
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