All things Inappropriate....
Written on 9:37 PM by Kristen
WARNING ...WARNING......
Reading this may cause temporary loss of control and/or physical harm to yourself and others.
If you dislike bathroom humor please stop reading now. I cannot be held accountable if you giggle and snort like a little girl, or a 600 pound moo cow with rabies.
I have been neglecting my blog lately because I started a new job this week (whoooppeee!), so I have just had random thoughts here and there. "Oh, that was funny, I should write about that."
But mostly it's been "Ohhh My CRAP! No one will ever believe what I just witnessed!"
I have chosen two special topics on which to blog tonight. 
Scene: Anonymous Rec Center
Class: Abs Hips and Thigh Buster
Present: Demi, Kristen, The Instructor, Moaner
Take 1:
Everyone get down on your mats for some crunches
"uugghhhh oohhhhhhhhh"
Now lift your knees in the air
"ahhhh owwwww ohhhhhh"
Demi "Kristen, stop looking at me"
Kristen " It's the moaner... do you hear that?"
Demi "shhhh I'm trying not to laugh"
Kristen "Heee heee heeee "
Class, lean against the wall and push yourself away
"auauahhhh soooo hard.. oooohhhhh ahhhhhh"
Now move your hands together and do 8 more
"ouuugggghh.... mmmmmmmaaahhhhhhh "
Kristen "mwaaaah haaaa haaaa! (snort) haa"
Demi "giggle..... hee hee ... giggle (can you believe that?)"Kristen "we should be paying extra for that"
Demi "is there something wrong with her?"
Kristen "that was the best laugh I never had" Not really "The End" yet, but for real how much more can you describe that.
The woman was HARDLY MOVING AT ALL, and yet she was the only one moaning and groaning and making faces. She was lifting two pound weights like we were in a Norwegian Strongman's competition.And to top it all off, all that straining and moaning caused her to pass some heinous gas.
Which brings us into topic number two for the night.
Awesome Potty Humor.
Below is the copy of an email sent around to a select few people on our team.
It was obvious who was reading the email because laughter was breaking out like a rash on a camp out. I had read a few of these before, but this was the most complete works I have come across. Without Further Adue..Ado.... Adieu? whatev.
HOW TO POOP AT WORK
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all been working in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all been working in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P. F. N.) A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire. You can also use that moment to noisily procure a handful of toilet paper.
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