Written on 8:59 PM by Kristen
Dear Lady in the rec center bathroom,
Why are you talking to me? At least I think you're talking to me, I don't see anyone else around (help!) I don't remember us locking eyes or bumping into each other. We've never taken a class together but I presume that you spend a lot of time here. From what I can gather from your excited mumbling, you are not discussing the weather or other non-crazy approved topics of conversation.
I can plainly see that you walked in here just to wash your hands. That is fantastic. Oh yes! Please do tell me why you are washing your hands just now, for I truly was concerned that anyone in a public place needs a valid reason to wash their hands. Strange crazy Lady, do not mumble when you talk. I have no freaking clue what you are saying right now. I hope you are never responsible for screaming "Fire!" in order to save people's lives. What was that?...you had to do a "Clean Up"? And you only used one glove instead of the normal two.? That is also fantastic. Although I missed about two sentences before and after that leading me to wonder how best I can avoid this "clean up" after I escape my personal tiled prison. Did I hear you right? Is something not allowed until night time anymore... Perhaps you are referring to your medication.
For real now, please E-Nun-Ci-ate. My nodding and smiling are merely extreme politeness and not a confirmation that I understand and agree with your one-glove predicament. Mostly this look on my face is wondering what the crap you just got all over your hands and please please pelase don't touch me. You keep looking at me, Lady, as if waiting for an answer. But my question to you, Lady in the bathroom, is WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?!?!
Sincerely,
*K*
|
Written on 9:06 PM by Kristen
Funny Anonymous Quotes of this weekend...
-------------------------------------------
"Now, I appreciate a good Bang..... " (man enters room at this exact moment)
We were talking about hair coincidentally, way to go Anonymous!
--------------------------------------------------
Anonymous - "Oh Hi, how are you!"
<(Hugs)> "Mmm you smell good"Me - "Really? I haven't showered yet today"Anonymous - " Oh, I guess I just like the way you stink."
Posted in
Quotes
|
Written on 10:14 PM by Kristen
This is the second hilarious half of the "how to poop at work" posting. If you didn't read part 1 I suggest that you go back to the All Things Inappropriate post and read it first. Fair Warning, Part 2 is a little more gross.
How To Poop At Work - Part Deuce:
SOME VARIETIES~
*The King Poop* - This kind is the kind of poop that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.
*Bali Belly Poop* - You poop so much you lose 5 lbs.
*Cement Block* - You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you poop.
*Cork Poop* - (Also Known as Floater Poop) = Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. How do I get rid of it? This poop usually happens at someone else's house.
*The Bungee Poop* - The kind of poop that just hangs off your rear before it falls into the water.
*The Crippler* - The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.
*The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang* - The kind of poop that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.
*The Party Pooper* - The giant poop you take at a party and, when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.
More hilarity coming soon :)
|
Written on 8:57 PM by Kristen
It's about to be that time people.... Labor Day is coming up. You can no longer sport the white purses, shoes etc.. Being an overachiever I decided to switch out my purse a bit early this year. Also I needed a better travelling purse for my trip to Austin. So I'm at work today with my Pink-ish Kenneth Cole bag from earlier this year, when the after lunch dry lip phenomenon presents itself. I search around in my purse and choose from amongst the billions of different lip products that I carry on a daily basis. (Yes I do need each and every one) I went with the first one that I found, I don't want my coworkers thinking all I do all day is search around in my purse. This day in particular it was the C.E Bigelow Mint Flavored Gloss with a nice reddish tint. No sooner had I applied the lip gloss, than I began to notice a funky mildew-y smell. Something a tad rancid and mixed with a fresh mold. Oh Dear Lord! It was nappy lip stuff gone bad. Of course this is also the day I ran out of Kleenex at my desk, so I'm puckering up and searching for something to wipe it off with. I had to go with the back of my hand because there was nothing available other than my chair. My coworkers might just report me for dragging my face across my chair.
So after work I head straight over to my Belly dancing class I'm taking with a friend. I always get there early and eat because it's way across town. I went to Taco Bell, not the best choice right before belly dancing I know, but it's right there. I got the Crunchwrap thingy which I'd never had before but it was plastered all over the menu. Huge Mistake! Can anyone think of any class of cheese worse than cheese whiz, lower than spray cheese, and which makes Velveeta taste like cheese of the gods? Well this sad excuse for cheese was worse. It was freaking peach colored!. Like cute pastel vomit cheese. Eww. I think it was giving me a cramp during the class. It also had a strange mayonnaise like consistency. Which leads me to Mayo. Does anyone know how or with what do they make mayo? Why does it smell like Sherman TX, or better yet, why does Sherman TX smell like mayo? Why is mayo fluffy, as if it's been whipped, yet have a remarkable likeness to snot? Is mayonnaise a french plot to kill right-wing sandwich eating couch sitting Americans?
Needless to say it was horrific and disturbing. I may have "Lipteria" as my sister put it. She says my lips even have a greenish bluish tint tonight. I might as well go eat some Spam and microwave a fork at this point.
|
