Written on 1:40 AM by Kristen
Ok, this may not be the best put together blog on the planet, but it's 2 in the morning on a tuesday night. I have two issues keeping me awake, one is not funny, the other is hil-aaaaaa-rious. I've had a strange unidentified pain in my neck for going on 3 days now. It seems to wake me up around now when the pain medicine wears off and I'm in totally agony.
..."but Kristen?" you ask. "If you're in total agony, how are you writing this fantastic blog?"
Well Friends, we seem to have what is called in the sticks, or Dallas Swat, take your pick, a domestic disturbance! This has awoken me from my slumber a tad earlier than planned, my children of the night.... mwaaaaa haaaaaa haaaaaaaa!!!!
As you may well know, I just moved to a new apartment in the far north of a pretty snobby city. I assumed and expected that this would alleviate the normal pitfalls of apartment life ie... scary people, redneck neighbors and their dogs/kids, yuppie shenanigans.
I came home tonight to find a pretty nice truck with a trailer attached to the back blocking my normal parking area. I parked adjacent to the building on the other side and continued my way upstairs, chinese take out in hand. Up the stairs I go to find a guy approximately my age, two kids that clearly he is NOT the father, and some of their stuff in the hallway. This was about 8pm. When I was ready go to go bed around 10:30 I hear what I thought was a TV program through my window. I listened for a minute, clearly this must be HBO to have such foul language. No wait, maybe MTV based on the education level of the speaker and the slight valley girl speech impediment. Ohhhh sweet mother, it's someone outside!
So I turn my lights off so I can more unobtrusively spy on my neighbors. Where did this trashy siren wench come from? Its as if she was spawned from the trailer under a cold dark night in October to spew forth Righteous Truths. That's right girl, guys are morons. Yell it louder!
Oh wait. She and her husband are both morons. Let down.
They have chosen to yell and scream at each other sitting in the flat of the open trailer, instead of the nice cozy truck interior with the doors shut like normal people. "Not in front of the kids, Honey"
"but Kristen?" you ask, "Wasn't that at 10:30? Why are you up at 2" Well my pretties, have you ever heard a blood curdling scream? really though,,,... and with a raspy voice out in the cold? To the effect of "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"
This chick is screeeeaming at the guy now. I think he was trying to make her get in the car. She's like "how can you do this to me?" My guess is he broke up with her and was trying to get her to an institution, but I'm no expert. I believe there was a struggle and then all fell silent.
I don't even want to know. I normally woulda told them to shut up myself, but seeing as how they are a few crayons short of a picasso, I opted not to piss off the new redneck neighbors.
Back to bed. Waiting for the Aleve to kick in again...
Posted in
apartments,
illness,
rednecks,
stupid people
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Written on 9:25 PM by Kristen
Dear Blog,
I promise to blog more as soon as I'm done moving and unpacking.
As a temporary IOU here is a picture of my new furniture.
Posted in
blogging,
furniture,
moving
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Written on 9:46 PM by Kristen
Gentlemen,...
ahem..... please wear undershirts.
That is all.
Posted in
advice,
church,
fashion
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Written on 7:23 PM by Kristen
Yes I work in an alternate reality but sometimes it starts to seem a little normal. I get used to the surroundings and maybe let my guard down more than I should. I'm sitting in the office kitchen waiting for my microwave lunch to be ready when I take a glance at something sitting on the table.
Can anyone spot what's wrong with this picture? I almost didn't eat my lunch after this. I kinda even am having a gag moment right now.
Please to enjoy......
Your comments please, because I am too grossed out to elaborate. I also must add that I was once offered "ox tails" at work. Are there really a multitude of oxen running around without their tails? Are we so down on the food chain that we can't even eat like oxen steak, we have to resort to the tail?
Please could I get that with some extra napkins and a gallbladder replacement?
Posted in
food,
work
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Written on 9:59 PM by Kristen
Ahh, it's that super special time of year. I love the Olympics for so many reasons. First of all, it's like combining the 4th of July excitement you have for your country along with really fantastic sports. This is not the NBA NFL tattoo'd up million dollar paycheck crap that's on every day. These people are good, and when they represent your country they become heroes for at least a month out of the year. Also, some people may not know, I used to be a diver in high school, so it's very cool to watch people doing something that you actually know about.
Another reason to love the Olympics is the International Travel element. You get to learn all about the countries that they are hosted in, and the countries people are from. You get to learn how to announce all kinds of crazy names such as Vladislava Ukraintseva or Harutyun Yenokyan. Also gotta love the announcers talking about the Olympians' personal lives because they have nothing else to say. (It's a bold strategy, Cotton. Let's see if it pays off for 'em.)
All this new international perspective, however, leaves me a tad annoyed at the personal day to day world that I live in for a few reasons. First of all... has anyone taken a notice to the uncanny tradition of changing the way we prounounce a country or city whenever there is a major news event taking place. Take por Nicaragua for example. For as long as I've spoken English it's been pronounced Nick-uh-rah-gua. But lo and behold an earth quake happens and shakes the very bedrock of the alphabet. Suddenly my tv screen is filled with phlegm a la ABC news.
[Re-enactment]
"there was a big earthquake today in Nee-Haw-RA-Goo-Ahhhh" Oh the horror.
I almost snorted my Wendy's frosty out my nose when I turned on the news and heard about the Olympic Games in Bay-Jing. As in Ju-Ju Bees "Jing". Lets all go back to kindergarten (german coincidentally) and learn phonics again. I thought it was supposed to be Beige-ing. Like the wall color. I mean I guess maybe people with authentic Asian accents kinda say it in between the two but that doesn't mean we have to change. That's like admitting we were wrong. Besides I was quite secure with beige-ing.
So the second annoyance this brings up is just a further realization that I work in an alternate reality. Now I am really liking my new job so far and the people I work with are cool. But there's one little minor detail that just baffles me! In this department, and in my old department, NO ONE I repeat No ONE can pronounce my name. It's Kris-Ten. Like Kris and the number Ten . 10. You can even spell it with a C if it makes you feel better about it. Just please stop calling me Christiarn, and Crescent, KEERStin and Krr..... how do you say it?
And to put the icing on the cake these past few weeks, I've been in a special training class. One of the lady's in charge has a rather original name. For anonymity's sake lets just say it's one of those names with an apostrophe in it. People have taken great care to learn this lady's name and they do a little celebration dance everytime someone says it right, which seems to be every single time. WTF? Why can no one say Kristen?? I mean if the announcers can say Ertugrul Icingir, I shouldn't think my name would twist your tongue. These people are all English speakers. None are bilingual or English as a second language. They sure as heck can pronounce Barak Obama. Oh well...
I guess I should never run for president. I would be President Torgerwho? President Whatsherbutt? sigh.
Peace in the Middle East.
Posted in
engrish,
Sports,
travel
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Written on 8:59 PM by Kristen
Dear Lady in the rec center bathroom,
Why are you talking to me? At least I think you're talking to me, I don't see anyone else around (help!) I don't remember us locking eyes or bumping into each other. We've never taken a class together but I presume that you spend a lot of time here. From what I can gather from your excited mumbling, you are not discussing the weather or other non-crazy approved topics of conversation.
I can plainly see that you walked in here just to wash your hands. That is fantastic. Oh yes! Please do tell me why you are washing your hands just now, for I truly was concerned that anyone in a public place needs a valid reason to wash their hands. Strange crazy Lady, do not mumble when you talk. I have no freaking clue what you are saying right now. I hope you are never responsible for screaming "Fire!" in order to save people's lives. What was that?...you had to do a "Clean Up"? And you only used one glove instead of the normal two.? That is also fantastic. Although I missed about two sentences before and after that leading me to wonder how best I can avoid this "clean up" after I escape my personal tiled prison. Did I hear you right? Is something not allowed until night time anymore... Perhaps you are referring to your medication.
For real now, please E-Nun-Ci-ate. My nodding and smiling are merely extreme politeness and not a confirmation that I understand and agree with your one-glove predicament. Mostly this look on my face is wondering what the crap you just got all over your hands and please please pelase don't touch me. You keep looking at me, Lady, as if waiting for an answer. But my question to you, Lady in the bathroom, is WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?!?!
Sincerely,
*K*
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Written on 9:06 PM by Kristen
Funny Anonymous Quotes of this weekend...
-------------------------------------------
"Now, I appreciate a good Bang..... " (man enters room at this exact moment)
We were talking about hair coincidentally, way to go Anonymous!
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Anonymous - "Oh Hi, how are you!"
<(Hugs)> "Mmm you smell good"Me - "Really? I haven't showered yet today"Anonymous - " Oh, I guess I just like the way you stink."
Posted in
Quotes
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