Krissy's Word to the Wise

Wow I've been busy.......

2010-03-08T23:12:00.005-06:00

Dear 70 year old self... One day you will be an old crazy lady living in Florida with your best friends. Please build a time machine out of coconuts and flash back to 2010 - circa Spring Time, the rainy season.

Find a Super Massive Red Hole, a.k.a. what used to be known as Target, and purchase these!

You'll thank me later!

Dear 28 year old self....

One day a man will cross your path. He won't look like a real man, but you'll know him by his shirt seemingly covered in tattoo's and graffiti with his name written on the back in Gold.

Hit the gas, not the brake. You'll thank me later.

Hahaha

2009-09-30T23:33:00.005-05:00

After coming back from vacation to a giant mess at work, way worse than when I left, I needed a good laugh.

Here are two.

and this beauty...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ePNWCniwgfo

Update to the previous post, my hair is now drastically different. I'll post pictures soon.

Decisions Decisions..

2009-08-19T23:36:00.004-05:00

Ok I cannot decide what to do with my hair now that it's brown.

Leave it till after new york? Maybe, it's kinda fading and I have to wear makeup or my face disappears. The brown color also seems to change color if I take pictures outside vs. inside.

Current Hair

College Shorter Blonder Hair

Post College Really Long Blonde Hair

Possible Inspiration Hairdo, if I decide to cut it all off again.

I had short hair last year, and I've been growing it out.. I'm not sure I want to undo all of that just yet. I've been enjoying the ability to pull it back when I am lazy or working out.

I also like having long hair if I go dancing.. but when's the last time I did that?

This chick in the picture also has major cheekbones and a possible eye lift. This hair might make my face look fat.

Any Ideas??

Important Life Altering Public Service Announcement.

2009-08-17T21:07:00.007-05:00

So it is reallly cold at my work. I mean reee-leee cold.. Mostly on our floor. Sometimes I go visit people on other floors just to thaw out. Cuz, I mean it's hard to be taken seriously at work when you are clenched in a full body shiver and have a ruddy dose..(runny nose).

We have jeans months during July and August, so I've been wearing my longest thickest jeans every day, and some type of sweater or shirt, plus a "work sweater". The one you keep in your car and wear every single day and has pen ink on the sleeves. Also, I keep a rocket launching space heater under my desk, which I call my "Fan" to make it appear cube legal. It sounds like a space ship taking off when I start it up.. Beeep Beeep Beeep . Whoooosh!

So even if my feet are blazing fire tootsies, my arms will still be numb on top of my desk. It's only a matter of time before I catch the croup, and have to cut off the blackened tips of each of my fingers. I've contemplated those 80's Madonna fingerless gloves, but I didn't want word getting around that I am a scurvy transient, or worse, an Emo.

So one of my gossip/news websites has an article most newsworthy titled,

Ultimate Battle: The Snuggie vs. Slanket vs. Freedom Blanket vs. Blankoat

http://gizmodo.com/5190557/ultimate-battle-the-snuggie-vs-slanket-vs-freedom-blanket-vs-blankoat

I'm glad to know someone has thoroughly tested said products, because I have been contemplating a snuggie/slanket .. purchase for some time now.

Futhermore, I will be going to New York next month, and I fear that I'll be cold on the airplane ride, and maybe the hotel won't have quality bedspreads, and what if I get a chill watching Phantom of the Opera.

Can I take a Slanket on the subway? I mean it's New York, aren't people strange there already? Is it in poor taste to take a Slanket to the Theatre? I don't imagine it would be dangerous....

No mugger is going to yell "Hey tourist.. give me your blankie"

Monday Fun-day!

2009-08-16T23:55:00.002-05:00

Lets hope this week is better than the last few have been.

Va va va ... Vampire???

2009-08-13T22:19:00.003-05:00

Here is my now slightly darker hair color. It's my evil alternate personality.

And this is me if I became a vampire/rockstar. Apparently I am a happy vampire/rockstar.

I just can't take it anymore!!

2009-08-09T08:51:00.003-05:00

OK, sometimes Cute Overload ( www.cuteoverload.com ) is just too cute for my own good. I really felt the "overload" this morning. I mean if it weren't for my PJ's and lack of showering, I was halfway out the door to purchase a tiny creature of my very own. I wouldn't even mind if his cage got smelly. Soooo cute!

I mean I don't have time for a dog, but I think a guinea pig wouldn't mind so much if I was at work all day. Stephanie Plum had a hamster and they got along great.

I feel the urge to talk baby talk and say words like snorgle and mooshie right now.

Stop the insanity!!!!

Now Boarding....

2009-08-05T21:52:00.004-05:00

First Class gets warm hand towelettes and a turbulent ride to Hell.

Get a first look at the new scientology "Ideal Org" uniforms. Utopia for the insanely evil and deluded.

When you want to say, "Why yes, I am a flight attendant, but I can still lead anyone with enough cash and fame to a fiery damnation"

I think they really lost everyone with the whole red-lined cape thing. Were they going for...

Modern day warlock?

Hogwarts Hussy?

Criss Angel's bathrobe?

FYI - her shoes kill vampires and the guy on the left has been castrated.

Why can't I ever get a warning...

2009-08-01T22:49:00.003-05:00

Never fear comrades.. it is once again safe for persons of normal temperature to enter my apartment. My apartment handy-dudes came by again to fix the air conditioning after last months book club disaster, and it's been coolin' ever since. I have decided to move, but I haven't told the apartment complex yet. Instead I asked the manager of the complex for some kind of compensation on my electric bills, since the A/C was running non stop. I ended up getting a 150 dollar credit towards August rent. Now I'll tell them I'm moving... mwaaa haaa haaaaa

Which leads to my next story of the time I supposed my car alignment was off, and Firestone said it was not, just that I probably had a wanky tire. So I went to discount tire and told them they sold me a bad tire, and I wanted a new one. When they said they couldnt tell which if any tires were internally faulty, I said, that's OK because I want you to replace the tire on the other side too, since it wore out the tread unevenly. Then they proceeded to spend an hour rotating all the tires around multiple times trying to figure out which one it was so they'd only have to give me one tire.

They sent some poor 16 year old fool to tell me the bad news, that they would only replace one, but really weren't sure which one it was. The young lad had no chance, I argued so well and said I didnt have time to waste to have them keep trying to figure it out, so they better just replace all 3 tires that were worn.

Yes ladies and gentlemen, I left that day with 3 brand new tires.

Which leads me to my blog title and ultimate question..... Why can't I ever get a warning from a police officer. I've been pulled over like 7 times probably and always gotten a ticket. Even when I was just barely 16 and my mom was in the car with me. One time I was actually crying real tears b/c i thought my parents were gonna ground me. No Dice. I have no luck when it comes to that. Any tips????

Kitty is pretty too!

2009-08-01T22:44:00.003-05:00

Wow, I have lots of excess imagination with nothing to do on a Saturday other than organize my brand new giant box of make up.....

(insert evil laugh of makeover genius here...)

Who's that girl???

2009-07-25T13:40:00.005-05:00

After going to a fabulous Mary Kay party last week , thank you Maigen, I went to the website to read up and see what else was out there....

And I found this!!!

You can try on all the Mary Kay makeup, and yummy lipgloss right there on the website, and apparently change your hair and possible religious/ethnic affiliations. The lipgloss doesn't taste as yummy on the website though. :(

I'm thinking based on the photo below that I need to dye my hair this winter, but that would require an entire wardrobe change as well. I may just have to leave it for posterity on the website instead. I was sad to see they didn't have the Kate Gosselin hairdo for psycho's though. I'll just have to wonder what I look like as crazy.

I wonder if I'll get any offers to be a mail order bride from this????

Lost and Found

2009-07-13T22:26:00.002-05:00

In honor of the next Harry Potter movie, I found this beauty on the inter-web. Somehow reminds me of my Ron dearest and his faulty owl.

Dear children of the world...

2009-06-15T18:44:00.002-05:00

Don't do drugs.. Especially in your face. That is all.

Surprise!

2009-05-28T20:32:00.003-05:00

This is how I've been shocked and surprised today, by things that some of them, I really should just know by now. Others I didn't see coming.

When your 100% socially inept boss's boss stops by the cake for people's anniversaries of working at the company, and he says "happy birthday". Smiles and walks off with cake like a jackass.

When you find out via internet that someone you know probably has fake boobs.

When you know someone has a ridiculously small forehead, either/or too much hair, but you're still shocked to see it. Like it's some circus side show you cant stop staring at.

When you realize why your old college roomate wore 18 virginity bracelets, because you now see her younger sisters wedding pictures on facebook and her younger sister already has a kid. Ohhhh.! Now I get it.

hmmm......

2009-05-27T22:11:00.003-05:00

My new boyfriend!!!

2009-05-16T12:03:00.004-05:00

Papa John. And aren't you intrigued to know how my new boyfriend, who we'll call Big Papa, brought his love of garlic and cheese into my life? About a month ago I decided to give Big Papa a chance, after my Ex, Soprano, skipped town never to be heard from again. Jerk! Big things come in small packages a-la the delivery driver Rico. Rico was late bringing Big Papa for our first date, he took over an hour in fact. By then I was a raving hungry lunatic with an empty plate and a broken heart. But Papa did what no man had done before.

Big Papa was sorry. So sorry that he wrote his sorry-ness on a post card and sent it old school style to my mail box, offering me a free no strings second chance at Big Papa love. How could I resist such a heartfelt apology? Big Papa got his second chance and boy did he deliver. Ladies, that is a true apology. Not the kind that is spoken into the air, never to be remembered again, but that kind that I can go back to days and days later to know just how sorry he really is. In fact I am tasting Big Papa's apology right now, and it's even better on the 3rd day.

I heart you Papa!! Lets be sorry for the rest of our lives!

I dare you!

2009-05-11T18:57:00.003-05:00

Yep, he dared me....... to take a picture of his dumb-a%% . I bet he feels really silly when a cop pulls him over for speeding and looking like a jack-a%%.

I wonder how much that ticket costs.

Our dear friend Alison has a theory about dudes in mustangs. This just solidifies the theory and pushes it farther towards a certified entry in the Wikipedia of douchebaggery.

Whiny Wednesday

2009-05-06T21:49:00.004-05:00

Sorry for the scary bad writing, grammar, literary devices etc... but I really don't care.

Once again I find myself alone in my apartment, whilst some tragedy unfolds before my helpless non-handyman hands. The first plot point to this tragedy was the night I moved into my beauty-ful apartment, and the pipe behind the toilet starts leaking all over the floor. Fate provided a foil lasagna pan which held the water until morning light. Then I had to stand around all Saturday morning in my skeezy unshowered moving PJ's while a stranger fixed my toilet. Awkward, Princess.!

Tragedy plot point number two was when the power kept randomly going off in my apartment, like a crafty lightning bug messing with my pizz-ower. No one believed tragic apartment Rapunzel, they accused her of optical delusions. The electricity proceeded to disappear for over 24 hours, a week later, throughout the entire kingdom of "Building 10". Chaos, Calamity, and Cursing could be heard over all the land. Now who's laughing ye snooty apartment office wenches.??

Tonight I sit and await handy dude number 2 to avenge the evil blinky alarm monster.

(handy dude #2 is much younger than handy dude #1 coincidentally)

Prologue:

I have no alarm system set up.

I have no alarm code.

I have no intruders.

My alarm system starts beeping at random intervals for no particular reason during American Idol (well played alarm) ... Then all bazookie breaks loose and it's a wailing siren. Thanks neighbors for coming to check on me (not). Turning the breakers off has absolutely no effect. I call the handy dude helpline which calls me back and instructs me to disconnect the battery in my closet.

FYI to all intruders, go to my closet first to turn off the alarm. Neato. So this battery looks like a small car battery with two connectors on top. Both of them are stuck I discover through my rubber gloves. Hey, I don't wanna die alone and electro-fried lying face down in my Croc's collection.

So handy dude shows up and realizes there's a second part that has to be disconnected. Handy dude doesnt know batteries but he's kinda cute. Handy dude's gonna come replace something on Friday when the part comes in.

I think its a date!

Dear Alison......

2009-05-04T21:39:00.005-05:00

Dear Alison,

What have you gotten me into? Is this a bad Omen? I purchased the book for May book club at half price, only to get home and find this inside the front cover....

Also, when I went took a picture of the cover, the first one turned out red.

I am so creeped out right now. I'm only going to read this in the daylight around people, just in case.

I'll also hold my chapstick tight to my chest in case a third thing happens ...

I trust from the Zoloft post it note that this will be beautifully written, and that no one will kill me in my sleep. Maybe this was planted craftily by the suicide pushers at Zoloft Inc.

T-4 days and counting...

2009-04-26T17:44:00.005-05:00

Weekend update:

Friday night book club was great this weekend. I made semi-appropriate comments about literature, saw a gang of guys walk by with what I hope were beebee guns, ate yummy snacks, and lost my voice to RockBand.

Saturday night, I went to Northpark (with the comfortable seats) to see 17 Again with one of my friends. Matthew Perry was totally out acted by Zac Efron. It was also awkward watching Matthew Perry be the older version of Zac, unless Zac takes up a meth habit I don't see him aging that badly.

The other ohh say 62-ish hours of the weekend were filled with frustration, illness, and a general feeling of malaise. I spent TARP-ish amounts of money at Firestone a few weekends ago to have a leak in my A/C fixed, only to discover that now it stops working in general when I stop my car in traffic. I took it back but they couldn't figure out what was wrong with it because it wasn't hot enough outside. Apparently the air temperature affects a mechanics ability to deduce and problem solve. Silly me. Wrenches just don't work unless it's a tropical heat wave. I let them know just exactly how busy and important I am, and that I don't have endless saturdays to give them my car and bum around at mom and dad's.

So I woke up at the bootylicious crack of dawn to take my car in on a saturday morning, then go back to the 'rents house. Mom and I took Booger Bean aka. Roxy to the dog park where I got all muddy, and mom got accused of owning a small pit bull. Roxy found a friend though, and we moved to the other side of the park to watch them play. Yeah for normal people! you are so few and far between. Then Roxy and I went home to take a nap. I slept for way longer than planned and woke up around 2pm. Sleeping in the middle of the day does not agree with me. I drove to Potbelly's barely aware of what I was doing to try and get some food to feel better. By the time I felt generally coherent again I called Firestone to find out they hadn't even looked at my car yet. Either way I later picked up my car and went to the movies.

Sunday morning I wake up early with a sickish feeling and a couple of hours until church. Nothing I tried made me feel better, then i discovered why I might have felt so bad the last day or so. I opened the milk carton I just bought earlier in the week, expiration May 27th, and got a whiff of rancid lactose. I had just drank this stuff the day or two before, and suddenly it turned all crazy smelling. Not a normal gradual milk gone bad smell either. Something else had probably gotten into this stuff. Especially for it to go bad so fast. Eeeeewww..

Well, just when your weekend is on a downturn, life gives you a small nugget of happiness.

I Tivo'd The Soup with Joel McHale (future husband) and watched it Sunday morning. Probably my most favorite episode yet for two reasons. Bruno Tonioli from Dancing with the Stars was not only on the show, but rips off Joel's shirt. Joel proceeds to do the rest of the show semi open shirted with his tie looking like a leash or something. Then towards the end, it's the tri-fecta of soupiness. Joel McHale open shirted, talking about Twilight, with a Harry Potter Nerd. It made the sun come out I swear. I hope they post it on you tube.

For now, just a picture.....

I'm just saying.. you're probably going to hell....

2009-03-20T22:18:00.004-05:00

Have you ever gotten unfortunately and disastrously lost on the internet, and taken a serious wrong turn down Time Wasting Lane? I clicked on one of my friends' much younger siblings blogs in order to see her latest pregnancy update (shudder), only to see the ever present Mo list of "Me and My Man" themed blogs.

Kami and Kyle,

Jeff and Crystal,

The I'm Happier than you Family,

I clicked on a few links to blogs of people I used to know back in High School, which leads you to blogs of other people you used to know etc... etc.... etc.........

Eventually I just start taking random crapshoots at the names to see if I know anyone else, or if there are any funny pictures. I swear to god the below post is not doctored in any way. Names have been changed to protect the Guilty.

"I found out I was pregnant when I was in Idaho visting my parents back in September. I wanted to tell my mom in a funny way so I knew it had to include my sister with Down's Syndrome, Jenny*. I wanted Jenny* to take the pregnancy test to my mom and just hand it to her and say "Mom, I think I'm pregnant" but Jenny* can never follow directions. She always has to ruin our plans by changing things up and saying whatever she wants which totally ruins the moment"

Wow, I'm so sorry your special needs sister had to go and ruin your perfect life. At least you've found the humor in Down's Syndrome and use it to liven up family events.

I currently loathe the internet. What's the word for being anti-social, but only towards the internet?

No commentary needed...

2009-02-22T11:21:00.000-06:00

taking stock....

2009-01-28T22:07:00.003-06:00

I don't like new years resolutions. We make them when we're fed up with the previous year, and exhausted from all the holidays and celebrations. A week, a day, or so later you break them and you're right back where you were in 2008 kicking your own (a**).
I prefer an end of January "how's it going" type of reflection. How has 2009 been so far.?

Good:
Joined a gym and went fairly often
Visited my best friends
Got a raise at work
Have a manager that thinks I go a good job, and tells other people too
Baked 3 new successful cookie recipes
Took down my christmas decorations (which were fabulous!)
Had one guilt-free sick day off of work
Finally watched a movie I'd been meaning to watch

Not so good:
Spent a lot, saved a little
Stayed up way too late way too often
Have yet to turn on my old computer, much less transfer the files
My stack of things to file is growing exponentially
Ikea table is still bare and unpainted
Stacks of clean laundry are also multiplying (drawer-a-phobia?)
Still late to work (this may never change)

Not so bad for 4 weeks into the new year. Without the Not So Good list I might become spontaneously conceited or worse.... boring!

O. M. G.

2009-01-25T23:09:00.006-06:00

Like Holy Cow. we have a new Miss America.
How could I miss something so darn important.

Ahem.... My Captions: (Alison please recite in your finest Valley Girl)

Miss America... "Oh My GAWWW I can't shut my mouth."

Girl in Blue Dress.... "You skank, you look like Madonna in Like a Virgin. Who did you have to sleep with?..... Hey, are my boobs even?"

Girl in Black Dress... " Ohhh crap. I slept with the wrong judge"

Miss America.... "Oh my Gawww!!! this really hurts my brain. Yes I'll marry you.. I do. I do... Ohh, that's not what this is?"

That's OK Miss America, at least you get a job and a cash prize instead of this.

New Year... so what!

2009-01-09T21:37:00.003-06:00

Thanksgiving break is long gone, so are all the leftovers.

My Christmas decorations serve only as a reminder of the psychotherapist jerk at the tree lot who confirmed for me that I wasn't married because I didn't want a tree. The only thing hanging around is a few extra pounds to keep me warm on the odd random cold Texas winter days. Even January is indifferent. Hot... Cold... ehhh who cares?

Never fear all ye inflicted with the January Blues...

Happiness is a boxer on a trampoline.

A night of horrors! oh my.

2008-10-29T01:40:00.005-05:00

Ok, this may not be the best put together blog on the planet, but it's 2 in the morning on a tuesday night. I have two issues keeping me awake, one is not funny, the other is hil-aaaaaa-rious. I've had a strange unidentified pain in my neck for going on 3 days now. It seems to wake me up around now when the pain medicine wears off and I'm in totally agony.

..."but Kristen?" you ask. "If you're in total agony, how are you writing this fantastic blog?"

Well Friends, we seem to have what is called in the sticks, or Dallas Swat, take your pick, a domestic disturbance! This has awoken me from my slumber a tad earlier than planned, my children of the night.... mwaaaaa haaaaaa haaaaaaaa!!!!

As you may well know, I just moved to a new apartment in the far north of a pretty snobby city. I assumed and expected that this would alleviate the normal pitfalls of apartment life ie... scary people, redneck neighbors and their dogs/kids, yuppie shenanigans.

I came home tonight to find a pretty nice truck with a trailer attached to the back blocking my normal parking area. I parked adjacent to the building on the other side and continued my way upstairs, chinese take out in hand. Up the stairs I go to find a guy approximately my age, two kids that clearly he is NOT the father, and some of their stuff in the hallway. This was about 8pm. When I was ready go to go bed around 10:30 I hear what I thought was a TV program through my window. I listened for a minute, clearly this must be HBO to have such foul language. No wait, maybe MTV based on the education level of the speaker and the slight valley girl speech impediment. Ohhhh sweet mother, it's someone outside!

So I turn my lights off so I can more unobtrusively spy on my neighbors. Where did this trashy siren wench come from? Its as if she was spawned from the trailer under a cold dark night in October to spew forth Righteous Truths. That's right girl, guys are morons. Yell it louder!

Oh wait. She and her husband are both morons. Let down.

They have chosen to yell and scream at each other sitting in the flat of the open trailer, instead of the nice cozy truck interior with the doors shut like normal people. "Not in front of the kids, Honey"

"but Kristen?" you ask, "Wasn't that at 10:30? Why are you up at 2" Well my pretties, have you ever heard a blood curdling scream? really though,,,... and with a raspy voice out in the cold? To the effect of "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

This chick is screeeeaming at the guy now. I think he was trying to make her get in the car. She's like "how can you do this to me?" My guess is he broke up with her and was trying to get her to an institution, but I'm no expert. I believe there was a struggle and then all fell silent.

I don't even want to know. I normally woulda told them to shut up myself, but seeing as how they are a few crayons short of a picasso, I opted not to piss off the new redneck neighbors.

Back to bed. Waiting for the Aleve to kick in again...

Movin on Up!

2008-10-08T21:25:00.003-05:00

Dear Blog,

I promise to blog more as soon as I'm done moving and unpacking.

As a temporary IOU here is a picture of my new furniture.

For the strength of the clinging-to-youth

2008-09-03T21:46:00.003-05:00

Gentlemen,...

ahem..... please wear undershirts.

That is all.

What the???

2008-08-22T19:23:00.004-05:00

Yes I work in an alternate reality but sometimes it starts to seem a little normal. I get used to the surroundings and maybe let my guard down more than I should. I'm sitting in the office kitchen waiting for my microwave lunch to be ready when I take a glance at something sitting on the table.
Can anyone spot what's wrong with this picture? I almost didn't eat my lunch after this. I kinda even am having a gag moment right now.

Please to enjoy......
Your comments please, because I am too grossed out to elaborate. I also must add that I was once offered "ox tails" at work. Are there really a multitude of oxen running around without their tails? Are we so down on the food chain that we can't even eat like oxen steak, we have to resort to the tail?
Please could I get that with some extra napkins and a gallbladder replacement?

Oh say can you seeeeee???

2008-08-11T21:59:00.007-05:00

Ahh, it's that super special time of year. I love the Olympics for so many reasons. First of all, it's like combining the 4th of July excitement you have for your country along with really fantastic sports. This is not the NBA NFL tattoo'd up million dollar paycheck crap that's on every day. These people are good, and when they represent your country they become heroes for at least a month out of the year. Also, some people may not know, I used to be a diver in high school, so it's very cool to watch people doing something that you actually know about.

Another reason to love the Olympics is the International Travel element. You get to learn all about the countries that they are hosted in, and the countries people are from. You get to learn how to announce all kinds of crazy names such as Vladislava Ukraintseva or Harutyun Yenokyan. Also gotta love the announcers talking about the Olympians' personal lives because they have nothing else to say. (It's a bold strategy, Cotton. Let's see if it pays off for 'em.)

All this new international perspective, however, leaves me a tad annoyed at the personal day to day world that I live in for a few reasons. First of all... has anyone taken a notice to the uncanny tradition of changing the way we prounounce a country or city whenever there is a major news event taking place. Take por Nicaragua for example. For as long as I've spoken English it's been pronounced Nick-uh-rah-gua. But lo and behold an earth quake happens and shakes the very bedrock of the alphabet. Suddenly my tv screen is filled with phlegm a la ABC news.

[Re-enactment]

"there was a big earthquake today in Nee-Haw-RA-Goo-Ahhhh" Oh the horror.

I almost snorted my Wendy's frosty out my nose when I turned on the news and heard about the Olympic Games in Bay-Jing. As in Ju-Ju Bees "Jing". Lets all go back to kindergarten (german coincidentally) and learn phonics again. I thought it was supposed to be Beige-ing. Like the wall color. I mean I guess maybe people with authentic Asian accents kinda say it in between the two but that doesn't mean we have to change. That's like admitting we were wrong. Besides I was quite secure with beige-ing.

So the second annoyance this brings up is just a further realization that I work in an alternate reality. Now I am really liking my new job so far and the people I work with are cool. But there's one little minor detail that just baffles me! In this department, and in my old department, NO ONE I repeat No ONE can pronounce my name. It's Kris-Ten. Like Kris and the number Ten . 10. You can even spell it with a C if it makes you feel better about it. Just please stop calling me Christiarn, and Crescent, KEERStin and Krr..... how do you say it?

And to put the icing on the cake these past few weeks, I've been in a special training class. One of the lady's in charge has a rather original name. For anonymity's sake lets just say it's one of those names with an apostrophe in it. People have taken great care to learn this lady's name and they do a little celebration dance everytime someone says it right, which seems to be every single time. WTF? Why can no one say Kristen?? I mean if the announcers can say Ertugrul Icingir, I shouldn't think my name would twist your tongue. These people are all English speakers. None are bilingual or English as a second language. They sure as heck can pronounce Barak Obama. Oh well...

I guess I should never run for president. I would be President Torgerwho? President Whatsherbutt? sigh.

Peace in the Middle East.

Dear Crazy....

2008-07-29T20:59:00.003-05:00

Dear Lady in the rec center bathroom,

Why are you talking to me? At least I think you're talking to me, I don't see anyone else around (help!) I don't remember us locking eyes or bumping into each other. We've never taken a class together but I presume that you spend a lot of time here. From what I can gather from your excited mumbling, you are not discussing the weather or other non-crazy approved topics of conversation.

I can plainly see that you walked in here just to wash your hands. That is fantastic. Oh yes! Please do tell me why you are washing your hands just now, for I truly was concerned that anyone in a public place needs a valid reason to wash their hands. Strange crazy Lady, do not mumble when you talk. I have no freaking clue what you are saying right now. I hope you are never responsible for screaming "Fire!" in order to save people's lives. What was that?...you had to do a "Clean Up"? And you only used one glove instead of the normal two.? That is also fantastic. Although I missed about two sentences before and after that leading me to wonder how best I can avoid this "clean up" after I escape my personal tiled prison. Did I hear you right? Is something not allowed until night time anymore... Perhaps you are referring to your medication.

For real now, please E-Nun-Ci-ate. My nodding and smiling are merely extreme politeness and not a confirmation that I understand and agree with your one-glove predicament. Mostly this look on my face is wondering what the crap you just got all over your hands and please please pelase don't touch me. You keep looking at me, Lady, as if waiting for an answer. But my question to you, Lady in the bathroom, is WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?!?!

Sincerely,
*K*

A little less Lactose... a little more Tolerance

2008-07-21T21:06:00.004-05:00

Funny Anonymous Quotes of this weekend...

-------------------------------------------

"Now, I appreciate a good Bang..... " (man enters room at this exact moment)

We were talking about hair coincidentally, way to go Anonymous!

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Anonymous - "Oh Hi, how are you!"

<(Hugs)> "Mmm you smell good"

Me - "Really? I haven't showered yet today"

Anonymous - " Oh, I guess I just like the way you stink."

Back by Popular Demand...

2008-07-20T22:14:00.002-05:00

This is the second hilarious half of the "how to poop at work" posting. If you didn't read part 1 I suggest that you go back to the All Things Inappropriate post and read it first. Fair Warning, Part 2 is a little more gross.

How To Poop At Work - Part Deuce:

SOME VARIETIES~
*The King Poop* - This kind is the kind of poop that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.

*Bali Belly Poop* - You poop so much you lose 5 lbs.

*Cement Block* - You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you poop.

*Cork Poop* - (Also Known as Floater Poop) = Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. How do I get rid of it? This poop usually happens at someone else's house.

*The Bungee Poop* - The kind of poop that just hangs off your rear before it falls into the water.

*The Crippler* - The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.

*The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang* - The kind of poop that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.

*The Party Pooper* - The giant poop you take at a party and, when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.

More hilarity coming soon :)

These lips are D.d.d.DAnGeRoUs!

2008-07-15T20:57:00.003-05:00

It's about to be that time people.... Labor Day is coming up. You can no longer sport the white purses, shoes etc.. Being an overachiever I decided to switch out my purse a bit early this year. Also I needed a better travelling purse for my trip to Austin. So I'm at work today with my Pink-ish Kenneth Cole bag from earlier this year, when the after lunch dry lip phenomenon presents itself. I search around in my purse and choose from amongst the billions of different lip products that I carry on a daily basis. (Yes I do need each and every one) I went with the first one that I found, I don't want my coworkers thinking all I do all day is search around in my purse. This day in particular it was the C.E Bigelow Mint Flavored Gloss with a nice reddish tint. No sooner had I applied the lip gloss, than I began to notice a funky mildew-y smell. Something a tad rancid and mixed with a fresh mold. Oh Dear Lord! It was nappy lip stuff gone bad. Of course this is also the day I ran out of Kleenex at my desk, so I'm puckering up and searching for something to wipe it off with. I had to go with the back of my hand because there was nothing available other than my chair. My coworkers might just report me for dragging my face across my chair.

So after work I head straight over to my Belly dancing class I'm taking with a friend. I always get there early and eat because it's way across town. I went to Taco Bell, not the best choice right before belly dancing I know, but it's right there. I got the Crunchwrap thingy which I'd never had before but it was plastered all over the menu. Huge Mistake! Can anyone think of any class of cheese worse than cheese whiz, lower than spray cheese, and which makes Velveeta taste like cheese of the gods? Well this sad excuse for cheese was worse. It was freaking peach colored!. Like cute pastel vomit cheese. Eww. I think it was giving me a cramp during the class. It also had a strange mayonnaise like consistency. Which leads me to Mayo. Does anyone know how or with what do they make mayo? Why does it smell like Sherman TX, or better yet, why does Sherman TX smell like mayo? Why is mayo fluffy, as if it's been whipped, yet have a remarkable likeness to snot? Is mayonnaise a french plot to kill right-wing sandwich eating couch sitting Americans?

Needless to say it was horrific and disturbing. I may have "Lipteria" as my sister put it. She says my lips even have a greenish bluish tint tonight. I might as well go eat some Spam and microwave a fork at this point.

All things Inappropriate....

2008-06-24T21:37:00.010-05:00

WARNING ...WARNING......
Reading this may cause temporary loss of control and/or physical harm to yourself and others.
If you dislike bathroom humor please stop reading now. I cannot be held accountable if you giggle and snort like a little girl, or a 600 pound moo cow with rabies.

I have been neglecting my blog lately because I started a new job this week (whoooppeee!), so I have just had random thoughts here and there. "Oh, that was funny, I should write about that."

But mostly it's been "Ohhh My CRAP! No one will ever believe what I just witnessed!"

I have chosen two special topics on which to blog tonight.

Scene: Anonymous Rec Center
Class: Abs Hips and Thigh Buster
Present: Demi, Kristen, The Instructor, Moaner

Take 1:
Everyone get down on your mats for some crunches
"uugghhhh oohhhhhhhhh"

Now lift your knees in the air
"ahhhh owwwww ohhhhhh"

Demi "Kristen, stop looking at me"
Kristen " It's the moaner... do you hear that?"
Demi "shhhh I'm trying not to laugh"
Kristen "Heee heee heeee "

Class, lean against the wall and push yourself away
"auauahhhh soooo hard.. oooohhhhh ahhhhhh"

Now move your hands together and do 8 more
"ouuugggghh.... mmmmmmmaaahhhhhhh "

Kristen "mwaaaah haaaa haaaa! (snort) haa"

Demi "giggle..... hee hee ... giggle (can you believe that?)"
Kristen "we should be paying extra for that"

Demi "is there something wrong with her?"

Kristen "that was the best laugh I never had"

Not really "The End" yet, but for real how much more can you describe that.

The woman was HARDLY MOVING AT ALL, and yet she was the only one moaning and groaning and making faces. She was lifting two pound weights like we were in a Norwegian Strongman's competition.
And to top it all off, all that straining and moaning caused her to pass some heinous gas.

Which brings us into topic number two for the night.

Awesome Potty Humor.

Below is the copy of an email sent around to a select few people on our team.

It was obvious who was reading the email because laughter was breaking out like a rash on a camp out. I had read a few of these before, but this was the most complete works I have come across.
Without Further Adue..Ado.... Adieu? whatev.

HOW TO POOP AT WORK
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all been working in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P. F. N.) A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire. You can also use that moment to noisily procure a handful of toilet paper.

When's Lunch....??

2008-06-03T10:15:00.008-05:00

Cube to my left... "blah blah blahhh (cell phone) blah bah.... I am so commited to my job... blah blah blah""

2 Cubes over.... "Check Yo Trade Christian... I's got important work here to do... ...(leaves her desk)......."

A few rows over...... "Get away from my desk.... burn the faxes.... I'm training........(fake heart attack)..... more yelling....... (leaps over cube to strangle me).......... magically gets out of work"

A wise colleague of mine once said.....

"it's like we're in a vortex of hate that slows time".

Actually it was Demi, and it was about 20 minutes ago. When you find yourself starting the countdown to lunch at 9:30 am... what's a working girl to do?

I find that making lists helps to solve my problems, or at least keep me distracted. So I've compiled a list of job alternatives. Maybe the problem isn't me, it's really that the job isn't hacking it.

Kristen's Fantasy Careers:

1. Spa Facilities and Services Tester

2. Doggy Massage Therapist

3. Therapy Human to dogs (like therapy dogs but the other way around)

4. Shoe Model

5. Samantha Brown's body double

6. Ben and Jerry's Flavor Inventor/Quality Control

7. General Advice Guru

8. Disney Character Voice

Demi's Fantasy Job suggestions:

1. Godiva Chocolate Tester

2.Ninja

3. Swiss Cheese Hole Maker (using Jessica Simpson high heels)

My parachute may quite possibly rainbow swirls with paw prints.

Feel free to comment and add your own Fantasy Jobs to the list.

I have no readers yet.....

2008-05-27T22:10:00.000-05:00

As this is my first blog, it is being sent to outerspace (unless I make my sister read it), but I've been meaning to start a blog for awhile. One reason being that working in trade settlements has compromised my English skills. My spelling is now bordering on Engrish, but that will be another blog to come....

So my blog tonight... starting at 10pm which is actually my bedtime ... is about country music. I just happened to be reading someone's posting about Jessica Simpson's new country song and they asked for people's opinions. I just started a discussion about this "pop gone country" trend in general.

Does anyone foresee a possible backlash against all the people using country to extend or start up their 15 minutes of fame? It's seems anyone who got tired of singing pop, or didn't think they could be popular enough is using country to get a hit song....

Pop gone Country...

Michelle Branch (I love the Wreckers, I'm just saying she didn't start country)

Jewel (started as folky-pop which I guess is close enough)

Julianne Hough (love her but her first single lacks substance (brain cells) and doesnt sound at all country)

Jessica Simpson (from Dallas but still can't pull off a country accent in a movie)

I'm also stating this from the position of having a guilty addiction to cheesy pop music and loving it for what it is... Cheesy pop music. I would love this new song more if Jessica didn't do her breathy moany oversinging. I do want to hear the rest of the CD though... and I may buy it. I'm just saying Jess honey don't plan on winning country songwriting awards.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Oh Wait I totally forgot another category.

Singing a Duet with a country star.........

this includes:

Bon Jovi

that old guy and Alison Krauss

that other old guy and Alison Krauss

Nelly

Snoop Dogg so they say appears to be next...

It's an INVASION people!!

Word .....